Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
