Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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