Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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