so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize