Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
