last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
