I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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