I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize