the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He did a backflip because drugs
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
