i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
