Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
