i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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