I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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