Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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