Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
