Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
