you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
