The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
nutella sex= disaster
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
