Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
