Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
