tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
