I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize