I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your cock deserves a montage
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
