My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
