My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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