I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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