My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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