my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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