don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
