You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
