It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can I color on your dick again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
