If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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