Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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