anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
