I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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