walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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