My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
