The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
