If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
