dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
