I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I could make wine with my vomit
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
