I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
