dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
