I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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