i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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