glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize