i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
