I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
