I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
