I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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