do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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