There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
