dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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