Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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