i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize