i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
