do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
