I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
