I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
