My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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