i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
