i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
