i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
are you so shy because you have an std?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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